ESPN loves to trot out Bill “I’m only a Bostonian when they win” Simmons for the NBA draft. Today they linked some of his draft day diaries. Since he has officially grabbed the mantle of most annoying columnist this side of Peter May (and that was before he picked the Lakers) I thought I would just quote this supposed prescient soothsayer of basketball knowledge. Okay, here I’m going to put on my Tim Russert hat.
In 2006, when the Celtics drafted Rajon Rondo, he wrote….
“9:40 — Just when this draft couldn’t get any crazier, my beloved Celtics just bought the 21st pick from Phoenix to take Rajon Rondo, the Kentucky guard who Chad Ford touted all summer because he mistakenly thought Rondo was foreign. Unfortunately, Rondo can’t shoot. This is an understatement. As Bilas says, “Teams in the SEC didn’t even guard him.” Put it this way: The list of NBA teams that won an NBA title with a point guard who couldn’t shoot looks like this:
1. (empty)
2. (empty)
3. (empty)
On the other hand, my Celtics moles told me that Rondo absolutely DESTROYED Foye and Williams in their workout a few weeks ago. So who knows?
God, I’m a sap …
9:43 — My dad’s reaction: “So we have two new point guards, but one of them’s 5-foot-11 and the other one can’t shoot? And I’m supposed to be happy about this?” Tough to argue with that one. I’m not even going to bother telling him about Rondo’s freakishly long fingers. Maybe tomorrow..”
Actually Bill, you’re a moron.
Now, let’s look at his reaction to Kendrick Perkins…
“6:50 — Picking for the Celts, Memphis takes … high school center Kendrick Perkins. 6-foot-10, 285. Nice. There’s some Eddy Curry potential there. Then again, there’s some Thomas Hamilton potential. “He has a tremendous upside,” Danny Ainge tells Tirico. That’s good to know. I was worried he just had upside.”
Wrong again chucker.
Now about that Ray Allen deal
“4:30 p.m. (PT): Thanks to rumors that the Celtics might trade the No. 5 pick, Wally Szczerbiak and Delonte West for a soon-to-be 32-year-old shooting guard coming off double ankle surgeries (Ray Allen), I just spent the last 20 minutes on basketball-reference.com trying to find one great shooting guard who didn’t decline significantly in Years 12 through 14 of his NBA career. Here’s the list: Reggie Miller. That’s it. Also, I just threw up in my mouth and some of it went up the back of my nose.”
4:41: Andy Katz reports that Boston agreed to deal the No. 5 pick, Szczerbiak and West for Allen. Not even 10 seconds later, the Sonics take Kevin Durant … the guy I’d been rooting for the Celtics to get since December.
(Hold on, I’m picking my jaw off the ground.)
Unless there’s another major move coming — and Lord, let’s hope so — are we really contending for the title in 2008 or 2009 with Pierce, Jefferson, Allen, Doc Rivers and nine unproven young guys? Are we even winning 47 games? Three seasons from now, if you’re watching Doc and Danny Ainge announcing the same TNT game, then you flick channels and see a broken-down Ray Allen jogging around a half-empty TD Banknorth Center at age 34, you’ll think of me. I promise you.
4:43: They just spent the last two minutes discussing Durant, and I didn’t even feel jealous of Jay Bilas’ orgasmic hyperbole because I was so rattled by the Allen trade. (Hands off, Jay — I have the No. 1 media man-crush on Durant.) To be clear, I’m a big Allen fan: He’s an excellent player; he always wanted to play in Boston (unlike everyone else in the league); I would have loved this trade if he were 28 or 29; and it’s hard to top the comedy of Ray Allen and Allan Ray playing for the same team.
Here’s the problem: Allen’s draft class was the year before I wrote my first draft diary. His movie (”He Got Game”) came out nearly a decade ago. He played at UConn with Donyell Marshall, Donny Marshall and Doron Sheffer. This guy is not a spring chicken — just look at his hairline, for cripes’ sake. This feels like Mitch Richmond going to the Bullets for C-Webb all over again. I’m somewhere between “quitting coffee and trying to make it through Day 3″ rattled and “waiting for the results of an HIV test” rattled. And you know who’s going to suffer? You, the home reader. That’s who.
(Note: And just wait until John Hollinger comes out with his inevitable “Every quality 2-guard in NBA history declined as a player after Year 12 except Reggie Miller” feature to torture me. You know it’s coming. Damn you, John Hollinger. Damn you.)
Oh and lest you think that his father has any more basketball sense, check this.
4:52: Memphis grabs Mike Conley Jr. at No. 4. Really good pick. I’d tell you more, but I’m busy trying to find the right adjective for my father on the phone right now. Beaten down? Distraught? Perplexed? Horrified? Apoplectic? All of them fit. He’s absolutely appalled by the Allen trade.
“Shooting guards always lose their legs when they hit 32 or 33!” Dad yelps. “It happens to all of them. They can’t avoid it. Make sure you put in your column that we traded the fifth and seventh picks in consecutive years for a point guard who was too short and a shooting guard who was too old. Put that in your column. Put it in. I hate this trade.”
(Ummm … sure thing, Pops.)
So, before you start letting that sentimentality cloud your judgment, just remember Bill Simmons hated three fifths of the starting lineup that just won title 17. The lesson as always is don’t let him back on the bus. Remind him every time you see him that he picked the Lakers not once but twice and since he left Boston we’ve won at least five titles. Stay in California Bill, you lost your Boston card.
