THUCYDIDES, an athenian, wrote the history of the war between the Peloponnesians and the Athenians, beginning at the moment that it broke out, and believing that it would be a great war, and more worthy of relation than any that had preceded it. This belief was not without its grounds.
Archive for 2005
in the beginning there was nothing. the funk swirled ’round the emptiness in vibrant colors and there was peace and happiness. then the Defunktionator in the darkness arose. to his sights the swirling funk colors and they bewildered and amazed him at the same time. he wished to understand them so divideth he the funk into light and dark. calleth he the light good and the dark evil. giveth he the divided funk consciousness and life. he wished to name the funks, so calleth the light god and the dark lucifunk. felteth god the need to create, and createth he the world on the first day and lots of other shit on other days. finally maketh god man from clay and placeth he man in a garden of innocence. lucifunk said, “damn, i wants to put my parts in this shit.” maketh lucifunk a clay rod and placeth he the rod on man. sayeth lucifunk, “hence forth shall man bear a johnson”. god saw this and was angered. the johnson would not be removed, thus maketh god pubies to cover lucifunks indiscretion. lucifunk also balled the knowledge of the dark funk into an apple and placed it in the garden as god slept. the next morning the man, now called adam, looked up at god and said, “damn, i’s horny. where’s my bitch”. replieth god, “now what you talkin’ about foo’”. but adam insisteth and god taketh adam’s rib and maketh woman. Thus was adam excited, but he didn’t know how to execute that arousal, so he sat around staring at his new found woody. cometh eve to the garden with curiousity. saweth eve the apple and findeth she it beautiful. eateth eve from the apple and giveth she it to adam. adam partaketh. spoketh adam to eve, “damn, you lookin’ fine woman. bring that sweet luh-vin over here.” god saw this and he was angered. his light was no longer pure. lucifunk had put the fun in funk and adam was all dick. the angered lord banished adam and eve from the garden, but adam didn’t care because he was getting his swerve on. swerveth adam throughout the night and nine months later cameth abel. now aroseth the defunktionator once again. he saw he was wrong in dividing the funk, that god and lucifunk would forever battle — light versus dark, the philosphy of funk against the fun in funk. proclaimeth he his wrong and sayeth he to the world, “cometh after much time an amazing man who understandeth the funk and procureth obscene amounts of booty. he shall call the funk together and bind it in peace and harmony.” thus proclaimeth the defunktionator the coming of the reverend boo t. licious and the coming heaven of the whole funk.