Archive for 2008
The official pill of the NBA
You know you’re in a pissed off mood when the news that Dane Cook’s half brother and business manager was arrested for bilking millions of dollars from the hack comedian can’t even bring a smile. As one commenter on Boston.com said, his brother did to him what he’s been doing to other comics for years. I wouldn’t know because I still don’t understand who Dane Cook is, and why in the world he’s called a comedian. Don’t you have to be funny, or at least tell jokes, to be funny? Further, who in the world wants to go see some frat boy tell jokes? WTF? I’ll keep my comedians coke crazed and homely as hell thank you.
But seriously folks, I’m pissed off today. I’m pissed off because what I worried about the most over the past month and a half is finally coming to fruition. All the whining and bitching teams did about the Celtics is finally starting to play out in the way officials call the games against us. In short, its a dog-eat-dog world and we’re wearing milk bone underpants. You see, that’s funny.
Exhibit A: The Celtics-Lakers match up was a wildly lopsided game from an officiating stand point, the low point being that the Celtics only got to the charity stripe once in the entire first half. That despite the fact that they were aggressively taking the ball into the paint and repeatedly being manhandled. But, I digress.
Exhibit B: The sixth man on the court. Now, I have seen some egregious things in basketball, like the time Paul Pierce got undercut by Amare Stoudamire and lost two front teeth, but didn’t get a foul call and then a couple minutes later Vin Baker got called for a hard foul for nothing. You may remember this play as the Tommy Heinsohn explosion. Well, last night was worse. Way worse. Way, way, way worse.
The NBA should suspend the officiating crew of last night’s game for the rest of their careers, after that debacle. If you happened to be lucky enough to miss it, the play went something like this. Portland runs SIX guys out onto the court for an inbounds play. Kendrick Perkins and Kevin Garnett, noticing they have to guard an extra man, start yelling and pointing to the sixth man, I mean screaming it. Meanwhile, Portland runs the play and gets a dunk off of it. The officials count the basket and assess a technical foul. THEY COUNTED THE FUCKING BASKET.
Here was their pathetic excuse for such wretched corruptness
Said referee Mike Callahan, “If we would have caught the six men on the court before the made field goal, then there would have been no score. We would have called a technical foul on Portland and stopped play.
“After the technical foul shot, Portland would have inbounded the ball as they were in possession before the stoppage.”
“They counted the basket,” Perkins said. “I don’t know how, but they counted it. There is nothing we can do.”
Callahan, should be fired. There’s no excuse for that. None. What do they mean, they couldn’t take the play back? They call off baskets all the time, they review plays all the time, but this was some unnatural force that they couldn’t stop? Are you shitting me? The game should be protested and the results of the game should be nullified. Can you imagine what those petulant slobs in Portland would be yelling if this happened to their team? Screw you Callahan, and screw the NBA. This is an insult to a great team.
Exhibit 3: The Portland fan base. Okay, look you love you’re team, that’s cool. But, when you start foaming at the mouth like a bunch of over-caffeinated hockey moms as Greg Oden goes all Gordie Howe on a man half his size, than you need to have your head checked. Baby Huey’s unprovoked attack on Ray Allen ( a perennial good citizen), –essentially throwing him out of bounds for no reason — was not whistled for a flagrant foul (which it was) and he was not tossed from the game, which he should have been, considering the way the game is called today. What a sham? If I didn’t have such unadulterated love for Paul Allen, I would shit all over the entire city and pray that the earth swallows it up in a massive sink hole. In case you can’t read the subtext, I got no love for Rip City. Enjoy your championship you latte sipping, effete, girlie boys. I don’t care if you are the beardiest city. I’m quite sure they don’t have parades for victories in December, but I’m guessing that isn’t stopping you from planning one. All it took was cheating to beat the champs. Now everyone’s going to try it.
That enough vitriol for you? Cause I got so much more stocked up. However, I’m going to try and not go any further. I don’t want to become one of those guys yelling on the streets, so let’s end this on a high note.
Enjoy your New Year’s Eve and from our family here in the beast lair to yours. Beast on into the new year.
Someday, perhaps the beast lair will make it into a Bollywood flick. Super sweet.
Just another game? Or something more sinister
It was the day after the day after Christmas when a deep funk set in on the beast lair. Gone was the ebullience from our sweet 19th straight victory over Philadelphia, when Beef and I took turns trying on the championship ring and whispering sweet beastings into Perk’s ear, “Shit on them for us Perk. You gotta kill Bynum.”
Gone was the Christmas cheer, the anticipation of victory in Los Angeles, the tidings of the holiday season.
All of it gone; stolen by Steve Javie’s incompetent refereeing (one trip to the line in the entire first half?!?!?!?), Ray Allen’s unseasonable coldness from deep waters, and Pau Gasol’s three straight power moves. However, notice fans that we have said nothing of the great hype machine known as Andrew Bynum. Perk played him straight up with a bad shoulder — so much for your wunkerkind! It was a disgusting game, a league mandated win to season the pan for a potential June matchup and we lost. This is why I hate the NBA.
So there I was, standing in Barnes and Noble trying to do a little retail therapy, still smarting over the image of obnoxious Los Angeles fans celebrating like it was the Golden Globe after party, when I picked up a book from the shelf. And that’s when it all hit me. The book staring me in the face was written by the guys at FreeDarko. Ugh, what a kick in the nuts. FreeDarko?!? Our arch enemies, celebrating a two-fer on our soul with their very own hardcover book. What have we done to deserve such a punishment dear lord?
So, I put the book down — Hell no, I wouldn’t buy it — and said to myself four simple words. “Maybe they are better.” And you know what, I started to feel a little better. After all, isn’t it better to be the underdog once in a while? Isn’t it better to fight the power instead of being the power? And, isn’t it better to be gunning for someone instead of being gunned for?
Maybe they are better? All of em’ the Lakers, the Cavaliers, FreeDarko….so what. Maybe this is a call for all of us fans to step up our game? We gotta be mean. We gotta be hungry. We can’t let ourselves become fat and complacent. We can’t rest on our laurels. Let the Lakers be champions of December, let FreeDarko win the Pulitzer prize of illustrated basketball books. Let the world think we are weak and wounded and damaged. Let them feel superior and proclaim our untimely demise. Let them drink their blood, while we go back into the cave and grow darker, angrier, and more focused.
Maybe the are better?
But we will still have our say before this is all done.
email your submission to Perk@perkisabeast.com. The contest ends January 5th.
Props to monsterontheboards.com for this beastly comparison!
Also if you’re looking for that late Holiday gift, there’s always this killer album by Fela Kuti:
…This Uprising will bring out the the Beast in us!
With only two hours before the christmas showdown between the World Champion Boston Celtics and the Los Angeles Fakers we just wanted to take a minute out of our slothenly day to wish everybody in the Beast Lair a Happy Holidays. Kendrick also has something to say to you guys too:
They’ve got a 19-game winning streak and a best ever 27-2 start. But, we all know there’s only one game that matters right now. The team left last night at about 11:30 p.m. and will be in Los Angeles until after the Christmas game.
And, programming alert. Perkins will be on ESPN today at 11 a.m., according to the big man himself. That’s all the info I got, but tune in. As for us, we won’t be doing much but preparing the traditional feast of seven fishes meal for Christmas eve and wrapping presents.
But all I want for Christmas is Andrew Bynum beasted in the first degree.
“I want you back”
Sorry guys, I’m a little under the weather today and not feeling like writing anything, so how about some more kick ass photoshops with Perk? Submit your entries today at perk@perkisabeast. The winner gets a free t-shirt and we’ll pick the winner after the new year. And for all you lucky kids who entered early. We’ll be showing these babies off to Perk tonight.