A lede too awesome to ignore from the Arizona Republic

Charles Barkley, the former Phoenix Suns player and NBA star, told police he was in a hurry to receive oral sex from a female passenger when he ran through a stop sign drunk early Wednesday, a police report states.

Can’t think of a better reason to blow through a red light. But seriously, thank you Charles, just when I had completely written you off as a fat, ignorant, gas bag you do something like this and make me love you all over again.

While being processed at the East Valley DUI Task Force command post, Barkley told police, “I was going to drive around the corner and get” oral sex, the report states. He explained he had engaged in oral sex with the same woman last week, the report added.

Barkley then told a civilian employee, “I’ll tattoo your name on my ass” if it would get him out of the DUI, the report states.

Meanwhile, around here in the beast lair, we’re gearing up for the New Year with a few suggestions for Danny Ainge on possible bench help. Here they are in no particular order.


Stephen Jackson
The gunner from Port Arthur, Texas and Perk’s homeboy is a perfect compliment to a second unit that needs consistent firepower. Further, he can play large minutes and his length makes him a good candidate to guard guys like Lebron James in the playoffs. He’s a spark plug, a catalyst, and a little bit wild, which might be just what the doctor ordered for the Celtics. I’d love to see this happen.


Brad Miller
Solid rotational big man (is rotational a word? Who cares, I’m making it up then) who can spell Garnett, hit big shots, and fill up the paint. Plus, he gives good, hard fouls. The salary makes it tough, but Danny could make it happen. I wouldn’t mind seeing him in green.


Method Man
Maybe he doesn’t help our bench scoring problems but Method Man has been able to fill-in in a pinch before, whether it’s busting one of the greatest B-sides in rap history on Wu-Tang’s “Protect Ya Neck” single, or his work as “Cheese” in “The Wire,” which helped breathe new life into the series, the man from Staten Island is a consumate pro. Further, Method Man could distract the opposing teams by sitting on the bench. I mean, who wouldn’t be distracted by that, except maybe Sasha Vujabitch, but I’m not about to sign John Tesh or Raffi for his ass. The only drawback is that Meth might have to cut back to two or three blunts a day.

Happy 2009 folks. Let’s do it again like we did last summer.