Five Questions With The Beast Lair

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What do you call someone who interviews themselves? Well, you probably would call them a lunatic. Let’s see what happens though.

Q What the hell happened to you guys? Did losing 7 out of 9 kill the beast lair? And, now that we’ve won six in a row will you stop being such a bitch
A: In a word, maybe. Look, it’s a long season and I don’t make much money (er, any money) doing this site. Therefore, from time to time, I contemplate a Jay-Z like retirement. You know, a retirement without the plush job at Def Jam and the eventual coming out of retirement tour when I got bored. Not to get too far off topic, but has anybody been better for a career than Jay-Z for Beyonce, before she was singing “Bootylicious” and know she’s serenading the first couple with Etta James’ “At Last.” I’m a huge Etta James fan and while I don’t like imitators, I gotta admit she sounded pretty sweet.

But, I digress. Basically, I stopped writing because I just got sick of everything, sick of basketball, sick of the NBA, sick of writing about the NBA, sick of talking about the NBA, sick of reading basketball blogs and I just had to hide out for a while and figure out if this was something I wanted to continue to do. When I got that one TV gig, suddenly I started thinking about whether or not doing this site was something I could do professionally and it seeped into my sub-conscious, which quite frankly affected the quality of the work on the site (hahahaha, what a pompous asshole I am). Suddenly, I was thinking about the things I wrote, because people could always figure out who I was. Also, I started looking around at other basketball blogs that are run as a business and I just realized that basketball blogging has totally lost all of its edge, nobodies doing anything original anymore, we’re all just doing the same shit all the time. I don’t want to become Henry Abbott, I don’t want to become Jeff Clark. Quite frankly, basketball’s just not that interesting to me. I have other interests, like zombies. Don’t get me wrong, I love watching the Celtics and I love dissecting the Celtics, but I never, ever, ever want to develop that jaded, frosted over, bitchiness of the modern sports writer choking on his own blandness and regurgitated opinions. Further, I’m not going to kiss anyone’s ass to get more readers. The fact is I never want to write anything about Lebron James or Chris Paul or Kobe Bryant or other teams in the NBA unless I’m shredding them. I hate those guys. I hate the NBA really. And I really hate ESPN and the way its just killed sports. The only way to make it is with integrity and balls and if I’m writing to please somebody than I got neither. Further, if you think an old folks home is depressing, try hanging out in a press room. Jesus Christ are those guys a downer. So, the end result is that I will continue to write about basketball when I feel it is good and original. Otherwise, I’m just not going to kill myself. But, I’ve said this before. In fact, I say it every year at this time and I always end up feeding the beast, so I’ll shut up now.

Q Did you watch the inauguration and what was your favorite part? Did it live up to the hype?
A Yes, I watched the inauguration. My favorite part was Aretha Franklin. If you have an inclination to learn more about the “Queen of Soul” and why her singing of “My Country Tis’ of Thee” was so awesome, go out and buy C.L. Franklin’s sermons. Franklin was, of course, Aretha’s father and knowing that she grew up in the struggle made it all the more sweeter to see her up there singing for the first black president in a hat that made her look like the new statue of liberty. In fact, I think we might want to consider a second statue of liberty using Aretha’s likeness. Was her voice as great as always? Not really, but she sang her heart out and you could feel the moment in her voice. That kind of truth only comes around once in a great while. Finally, a genuine moment! My other favorite moments included seeing Dick Cheney in a Dr. Strangelove-ian wheelchair, supposedly after he hurt his back moving. Finally, I thought Obama’s speech was quite good. I wouldn’t say it was Kennedy worthy, but it was still a huge leap forward from anything Bill Clinton or George W. did. Speaking of which, we’ll miss you George.

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Now, that’s a retirement!

Q Are the Orlando Magic for real this year?
A No. However, they may win 60 games. One thing we’ve learned in basketball is that the long jump shot game is always finite, hence the saying “live by the three, die by the three.” I don’t believe in playing four guys on the wing with one dude in the middle. I just don’t. Further, Howard still has no discernible post moves and when it counts in the playoffs, you need a go to guy, which the Magic have none to speak of. However, tonight could be a tough game for Perk, who is still woefully out of shape. Let’s hope for the best. Oh, and also, there’s no freaking way in the world that Danny Ainge offered Gabe Pruitt and Billy Walker for J.J. Redick.

Q Did you really say Scal was the new Posey?
A Yes, but I was drunk. But actually, I love the way Scal’s been playing. He deserves a lot of credit and I think he does actually fill alot of holes created by Posey’s departure at alf the cost. He plays superb defense and doesn’t make mistakes. Further, if the three is dropping….You see, this is how I end up saying things like that.

Q Are the Celtics back?
A Did they go anywhere? The truth is the Celtics were as bad a team as there was in the NBA for two weeks and they’re still tied for the second best record in the league. They look very solid.


Q Who is the team’s MVP?
A Simple, Rajon Rondo. Think about this, where would KG be without Rondo feeding him for easy baskets? Seriously, the guys jump shot is lost somewhere in the South Pacific. His post up skills were never really that strong and yet Rondo has managed to will KG to 16 points a game on alley-oops and getting him point blank shots. KG should buy Rondo a boat. We go as Rondo goes, no more, no less.

Q Who is the league MVP?
A Who cares. the NBA sucks.

Q Who won the photoshop contest you prick? I’ve been waiting a month.
A Who do you think won the photoshop contest? I don’t know. I haven’t even thought of it. I’m sorry.

Q What is your new year’s resolution?
A To stop touching myself so damn much.

That’s all for now folks. Go Celtics.

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