NBA Finals Preview Part One – The Crack Staff Reports

2010 Finals MVP Rajon Rondo

“When you have closed with the enemy, hit him as quickly and directly as possible, without moving your body or settling your spirit, while you see that he is still undecided.”
- The Book of Five Rings

*Editor’s Note – the tone and irreverence of the next few paragraphs neither reflect an endorsement or even an acceptance the hellish diatribe submitted to our desk by our crack(ed) team of writer – please be warned, it is offensive, disturbingly offensive*

It has been many a season dear reader(s) since we, your humble staff, have approached this imperfect world and declared our deep and unflinching allegiance to Our Great and Noble Sensei. We have been purifying our spirit for the great test ahead. We have been in the quiet fire of real thinking, but it is now time for war, as the meek and ignorant generals of our enemies set up their pawn pieces for what they think will be a quick fall.

Phillip Douglas Jackson is the kind of 2nd rate talent that flourishes in IQ deficient cesspools like Los Angeles. His uniquely uninspired iteration of California Smart manifesting itself in referee intimidation and disparaging commentary seems smart to people raised on Chick Hearn and Dean Cain. But to us, dear reader(s), we see this tomfoolery for what it is: the classless diatribes of a impotent intellect searching for an edge with a mind dulled by the low expectations of his narcissistic audience. Phil, maybe your kind pseudo-intellectual garbage goes unchallenged in the land of fruits and nuts, but here, in the dark recess of the Beast Lair, we have spent our years deep in sutra, cleansed our realities of the vagaries of ugly hype and we see fraud clearly. You sir are a charlatan of the highest order and should be ashamed of what pitiful ugliness your spite spreads.

Now to the players that the Fakers will field. What none of the professional prognosticators are pointing out is that despite our age, we are not carrying the miles of the last two and a half years that those Pomona/Pitzer posers are. The Lakers have played at least 350 NBA regular season and playoffs games the last three seasons plus the odd 20 or so games of international competition. It is why, despite his llama-esque looks, Poor Gasol has repeatedly torn his hamstring and is bailing on his own countrymen in the upcoming (not quite) world championship. It is why the Faker’s most dynamic athletic presence Kobe “Mr. Beefcakes” Bryant has had his knee drained again recently. They have no gas in the proverbial tank, especially not for fossils like former retiree Derek Fisher who had little chance in their prime of keeping up with a talent like Rajon Rondo, nevermind after three straight finals runs.

“Study strategy over the years and achieve the spirit of the Samurai. Today is victory over yourself of yesterday; tomorrow is your victory over lesser men.”
- The Book of Five Rings

The Celtics are team on a mission. Nothing motivates future Hall of Famers like the flanking maneuvers of doubt and supposition. Paul Pierce needs only fours game to forge his immortality. Ray Allen has had his dalliances as the Jesus (Shuttlesworth) of Hollywood. He had to come east to find the true measure of success. (Sometimes we break fast and celebrate the Bodhisattva Ainge for dealing Wally, D West and Jeff Green for Ray and Big Baby). Our shaolin monk of fadeaway funk, Mr. Garnett, he needs no motivation, but we’ll take the half baked Jackson puff pastry and let Kevin feast on it for a while. The Gods help Gasol though when Kevin is finally unleashed defensively in these finals. Maybe Pau doesn’t need to post an add on – he seems so comfortable being owned by Mr. Garnett.

All we can hope for Our Sensei is that the world of shadow that conspires against him, gives his defense, his physical presence, and his quiet winning determination room to breath in the land of flopping Fakers like Eurotrash Pau and Emptysuit Bynum. We know what kind of ugly hate el Sterno is capable of, so we just hope he doesn’t send one of his lead henchmen (Eddie F Rush, Kenny Mauer) into sabotage our defensive schemes by kneecapping Perk with T’s.

And No, Mr. Simmons, you ain’t getting back on our bus…

Comments are closed.